The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
