goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
