just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
