Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
