I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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