I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
