last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
