when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
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I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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