Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
