just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
