I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
