I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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