A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
