I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
