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Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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