Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
