Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
