i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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