unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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