im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
