I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
