can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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