Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
