I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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