Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
