I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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