I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
