mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
