Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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