No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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