So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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