i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
