Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
