I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
