she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
