My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize