so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
