I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize