I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I want her autograph on my taint
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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