I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
