Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
