.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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