I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
