the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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