This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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