Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
