I'm going to jail i love you
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
