Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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