I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
