Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I want a musical about memes.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
