btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
