You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Thank you for not boning my boss.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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