That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
