Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
