My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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