it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
