I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
