Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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