She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
