did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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