If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
